Defense
“They say the best offense is a good defense. False. The best offense is offense.”
~ Dwight Schrute, from The Office
I used to avoid difficult conversations. I didn’t see that modeled in my home or pretty much anywhere else I have ever been. Who likes having those?
But some of my coach training showed me the incredible value of having direct and challenging conversations. I was actually taught that part of my job (that benefits my clients most) is to help them “mine” conflict. Not only I am not supposed to avoid it, but actually, go looking for it and use it as a mechanism to force teams to find uncover resolution to their problems. And I have gotten much more comfortable with this idea.
When I attended my first LifePlan retreat, one of the more surprising personal core values that magically appeared out of the process was “disruption”. I defined it as “asking the questions and saying the things no one else will say, in the service of good.” Some people tell that I have become a pro at “disruption”.
But in a world so full of anger and hatred - one where it seems everyone is exhausted from judgment, accusation, or doing or saying the wrong thing, being direct has become precarious. We’re all a little exhausted from defending our thoughts, opinions, and actions. People are way less ready to receive even thoughtful directness in the service of good.
Another coach training taught me to ask a question that has changed pretty much every direct encounter. It is showing up in a growing percentage of my conversations.
Are you open to hearing something a little challenging about you?
or
Are you in a good place to hear something a little difficult?
The initial quote from Dwight Schrute above is actually referenced to Jack Dempsey, the heavyweight boxing champion in the twenties. I understand why. With so much challenging stuff going on around us in the world and in the leadership roles we have, I was pretty much living every day with my fists up ready to defend.
And so, it appears, is everyone else.
But asking that question changes everything. It takes someone from doing everything in their power to refute the challenging news about them, their company, or their leadership, to being open to receiving it.
From defensive to receptive.
From closed-door to open.
From dukes up to fists down.
From “how dare you” to “tell me more”.
I think it is a necessary kindness. We are all buckling under an enormous amount of difficulty. We all need to know things that we don’t want to deal with or hear. Tough love means not always saying or giving people what they want, but offering them what they need most.
Asking people permission is not only appropriate before offering that tough love it is the clever device that helps them receive it best.
Consider
Do you feel like you are walking into the ring each day instead of the office?
Do you think are generally fists clenched with a defensive posture when others bring challenging information?
Are you finding the same when you challenge others?
Are you open to trying this question on a spouse, friend, or someone in your company?