Should

“Stop letting people ‘should’ all over you.”

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Spending a lot of time alone throughout my childhood made me a pretty keen observer of life.  It made me really curious.  I didn’t have much first-person knowledge of people and the way most people did life.  I developed an almost empirical curiosity about people and how life worked for them.  

In addition to that, my self-preservation skills made for a very strong and forceful personality.  The combination of those two things means that I can be aggressive and intentional about the way I engage others.  People tell me that it can be a little uncomfortable to have someone lean so curiously into their life, but many also say it can result in one of the most meaningful conversations of their life.  I found that insatiable curiosity can reveal essential things buried and unearthed previously.

I get the privilege of frequently hearing things like:

• “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

• “I didn’t really understand that until this conversation.”

• “I can’t believe I am telling you this.”

• “I’ve never connected those two things together until now.”

I somehow naturally found that questions led to discovery, which led to ownership and the possibility of real change. But being trained in appreciative inquiry helped me to go pro at that…to institutionalize that in my life.  It kept me from relying on past experience or the need to be seen as the answer; a real temptation for most of us.

But with business leaders or people I encountered with real problems, I would sometimes ask just enough to understand the problem and then “should” all over them.  Pull from over three decades of business experience, hundreds of business books, thousands of podcasts, etc., to tell them what they should do.  And while the advice was often right, I was going about it way was wrong.

If we can sit in the integrity of someone else’s interest and thoughtfulness...             

If we are willing to be seen and are interested in helping to make things right and not just be right…

If we can trust a person’s motive in helping us get to the right answer instead of just wanting them to “should' all over us…

Real change is just around the corner.

The life of Jesus, summarized in the new testament of the Bible, shows us how to engage others.  He was asked 183 questions but answered only 3 while asking 307 of his own.  He was seeking to understand and help others with honest discovery so that real change was a probability.  And he already knew what I am just starting to realize: given enough time and the right questions, we already know the answer to our problems.  Our job is just to give them the courage of their newfound convictions.

Maybe we need to focus less on teaching everything we know and become more a student of everyone we lead.

Consider

• Do you have people in your life that constantly “should” on you?

• Are you guilty of doing that as well?

• Could learning to ask good questions change your life and how you lead others?

Rooted

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”  

~ Jeremiah, the Prophet

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Nobody could have known.  The children were well-behaved.  Their blonde hair, perfect posture, with prominent bows in each of the girl’s hair.  They didn’t misbehave like the other children we often saw in church.  But the appearance of their perfection, even that of my wife, was mandated.  Coerced with shame and disappointment.  The appearance of the perfect family felt like my life depended on it…because it did.

Growing up in relational poverty, with little connection to extended family, no real nuclear family to speak of, and brokenness as the predominant state of relationships, making it right in my family was essential.  But to overcome all that tragedy and disappointment, my kids didn’t just need to be good; I tethered my happiness and sense of well-being to them.  Expected that they could help me overcome generational pain.  They couldn’t.  And the weight of responsibility was crushing them and my wife.

A near collapse of everything you think is important has a funny way of getting your attention.  It certainly did mine.  I was either going to resign myself to a life alone, apart from my wife and children (which I thought I deserved), or try to climb out of the pit I had dug for myself.  Thankfully, I somehow rallied to fight for the latter.

And I see the same all around me now.  Our comparison culture is stoking a similar desire.  We are all working really hard to try to prove to others that things are perfect above the surface.  That everything in our life is worth following, liking, or becoming a fan of.  But like I so painfully discovered, if the most beautiful of trees and the most beautiful of structures aren’t rooted by something much deeper, the tree will die and the structure won’t stand the test of time.

So much of what rooted our country feels like it has been lost: faith, civility, family, and a transcendent set of ideals that bounded and guided our way.  Without a deeply planted and broadly spread system of support, the foundations are crumbling and so much of what we felt like was thriving is dying.

I had to start from scratch. Dig down through thin soil, establish a new root structure, and carefully water and cultivate over decades to set a new foundation.  I am still rewriting the story, dealing with consequences, and earning trust, but there are signs of new life and abundance.  The reset seems to be taking hold.  Hope is rising.

Is that possible for a country?  I am not sure the directional momentum will allow, but I think it is the only hope.  It certainly is mine.

Consider

• How rooted are you?

• Beyond the stuff that you show everyone else, how deep do your foundational roots run?

• How ready are you to withstand the next strong breeze that blows in your life?

Next

“Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life– gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.”

~ Oswald Chambers

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A very good friend and client of many years asked for advice about a predicament.  As a coach, I try not to give advice, but I do ask questions that lead to discovery, which produces ownership/engagement.  The solutions emerge from within the other person at the end of a line of curated questions.  Then I will often confirm, refine, or suggest things in that direction.

I have been trained to do that and it supports a natural inclination.  I have been told it is a strength of mine.  It is now an almost subconscious track I go down.  I have had friends and family say, “Don’t coach me,” because they see it coming when it happens.  But it is really hard to do that for yourself, almost impossible.  

My friend said that he clearly felt a prompting from the Lord to do something.  He did, but the situation had become very complicated relationally, financially, and spiritually.  

My questions were:

• What exactly did you feel like God told you to do?

• Did get any additional instruction from God or wise counsel?

• Did you ask?

• Where did you take over the course of things?

• Do you feel like you did what God asked or did you do that and then add a bunch of steps on your own initiative?

• Do you think your predicament is more related to God’s instruction or your self-determination?

On my better days, I used to pause enough to ask God how my first step might be informed, but sadly that was the end of the conversation.  With a little bit of directional insight, I am off to the races in that direction. And it has cost me dearly, much like it was costing my friend.

But I am getting better.  I am learning to sit in the answer to the first question.  I am taking the first step and then asking for the next.  Ironically, I move much slower, but I get there much faster.  It is essential that I have a little room in my schedule to get quiet and clear.

I utilize the start of my day, the end of my day, and multiple points in between.  It is changing my days, my weeks, and I expect that looking back over the years, the change will be significant.  I am utilizing a tool we created called “My Best Month” to force a different rhythm that allows me to more thoughtfully and collaboratively move slower but gets much further than I used to in my frantic self-determination.

Consider

• Do you know what you need to do next?

• Do you know what you need to do after that?

• What process do you employ to make sure you are headed in the right direction and measuring the right steps?

There

Is there any place I can go to avoid your Spirit?
    to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
    If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
    to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
    you’re already there waiting!”  

~ A Psalm of David

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Almost a decade and a half ago, our eldest got invited to go on a mission trip to China.  He was mid-teens at the time.  He was almost six and a half feet tall and really stood out in a crowd.  It was a very different country then.  He received a lot of training about how to represent what he believed without endangering himself or others.  It felt important and moderately dangerous there in all the best ways possible.

He missed two weeks of school and part of his varsity baseball season.  While he was gone, I had a conversation with another baseball dad.  He asked a simple question, “Do you think it is safe to allow your son to go to a dangerous place like that?”  My answer came immediately and felt like it was referenced beyond me.

“There is no safer place for him than in the will and love of God.”

Strangely, I had never really thought much about the danger he was in being there.  He felt called to it and I honestly felt that he was far safer there than in a car rolling around here on a Friday night.

That season came to mind as we returned to South Africa.  People asked if it was safe or if we ever felt like we were in serious danger there.  You don’t have to venture very far online to see the incredible difficulty the country is enduring and the associated risks there, but my answer was a version of the same.

“There is no safer place than in the will and love of God.”

And I am seeing that same sense of fear everywhere. The world is changing with momentum and we are feeling increasingly unsafe.  Ironically, the answer for many seems to be that a safer place can be found there.

It feels like one country may be safer than another.  

That one state, apparently, is safer than the others.  

Those rural areas are safer than the more populated ones.

Small towns are better than big.

But in a world where all information is universally available, all fear, dissonance, rage, injustice, etc. is being shared and felt by everyone at the same time, there is no safer “there”.  So the weight of the world is heavier, we are experiencing more of it, and the systems (relational, societal, spiritual) are not as available to help us deal with the load.  Should anything that happens surprise us?

I am resting in the assurance I told that baseball dad and those folks asking about South Africa.  I am increasingly convinced that I cannot escape the danger there, but I can always find comfort and safety in the will and love of God right here.

Consider

• Do you feel safe?

• Are you fighting that urge to run away, check out, or move?

• Where do your hope and sense of safety come from?

• Are you placing it on governments, policies, parties, or places?

Creation

“Narnia, Narnia, Narnia, awake. Love. Think. Speak. Be walking trees. Be talking beasts. Be divine waters.  Creatures, I give you yourselves, I give to you forever this land of Narnia. I give you the woods, the fruits, the rivers. I give you the stars and I give you myself.” 

- C. S. Lewis, The Magician’s Nephew

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There is something primal, foundational, and even holy about South Africa.  Maybe I am adding 1 + 1 and getting 12, but some of the dots that I connected on this last visit were:

• It is the area richest in natural resources of one of the most naturally rich continents

• It is the place where the earliest origins of the human species have been discovered

• It offers a diverse topography in one place that rivals the most beautiful places on earth

• It is inhabited by every species (on land and sea) that occupy my grandest imaginations of the ark and the earth’s creation story

• It is known for one of the most notorious racial narratives playing out on the world stage

• It is where I have encountered the most earnest tribe of people yearning for the restoration of their country

In many ways, it feels like the country’s borders hold both the crown of creation and the hope of restoration.

If you asked me where I had most experienced a sense of the garden of Eden, I would have, until recently, said Kauai.  But while it offers some of the breathtaking beauty I have seen in South Africa, I haven’t experienced all the rest of those things there.  And maybe this is the way that everybody feels about the things that they are deeply called to, but it feels like the hope of the world rests on this small southern portion of that great continent.

In my own context, I hear a lot of desire to get back to the “way things were”.  But the “way things were" weren’t exactly good times for many people.  The people I am encountering there (amid greater racial tension and economic challenge than I have ever experienced here) aren’t yearning to get back, but to move forward to a better-restored version of things.  Not as they were, but as they were intended to be.  The “restoration of all things” that Jesus talked about.

Yes, at this challenging point in the human story, the hope of a restored earth has never been a more rescuing thought.  But that requires hope and I feel, for most, that hope has been lost.

And interestingly enough, we are sharing our Kingdom business/leadership teaching with handfuls becoming hundreds turning into thousands, but what we are actually offering is something even more essential than that.  We are restoring hope.  The hope that there is a better day and a better way in their life, leadership, and business.  There is an ancient path that includes their work that leads to a more abundant life.

While there seems to be some interest here, there is a growing multitude in South Africa and soon, many points beyond, extremely excited to taste, see and experience everything we have been given to offer.

Consider

• Have you lost hope?

• Where does your hope come from?

• Are you giving your heart and hand to anything that holds the prospect of restoring yours?

Generative

An economy that is ordered around abundant infinite energy (eternal life), one that coheres to the phases of life, is called a Generative Economy.  Participants in the Generative Economy seek to contribute to life, to maximize well-being, for everyone.  The Generative Economy is the “household order” of the universe…of God.  This is the economy portrayed in the narrative of the Kingdom of God.  To be sure, the narrative conveyed by Jesus was not a religious narrative, neither was Jesus a religious figure come to establish a religion.  The bible says that Jesus came to give us life and that more abundant.” 

- Mitch Cowart

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One of my good friends is an author, coach, missionary, pastor, home church leader and father of a beautiful tribe.  Oh yeah, he also runs a successful business but is needing to spend less and less of his time there.  The leadership he groomed at his company is handling most of that.  In fact, that is still true despite the fact the company is doubling due to the awarding of a very large contract.

We know many great leaders, but not that many generative governors (life-producing leaders).  The woman who is in the process of being handed over the management of his business was not found, she was cultivated.  Everyone who meets her wonders, “Where do I find someone like that?”  You don’t find them, you develop them.  This owner did uncommon and beautiful things to help generate this leader that is affording him all this freedom:

• He believed in her when she didn’t believe in herself

• Built a leadership team around her when he previously had none

• Invested in several years of leadership training even though she initially didn’t want it

• Trusted her to manage things before she believed she was ready

• Sent her husband and her to a life resetting Lifeplan retreat

• Encouraged her to hire, train, and trust others to do the job she had always done and found much of her value in

• Invited her confidence and trusted her perspective in the most troubling challenges and seasons of the business

• As a condition of her last promotion, asked her to sign an agreement that she would annually take a vacation (she had never taken one)

• Committed to paying a stipend to help cover the expenses of every vacation she takes

Any one of the things on that list would make him an uncommon leader.  The entirety of the list is truly stunning…and incredibly rare.

Anyone who has observed this transformation over the last five years is astounded.  Her life has completely changed.  She would tell you so.  She is a different woman, leader, mother, and wife.  And many others have benefitted from the person she has become.  She regularly shares her redeemed experience with other women.

Everyone wants to hire a leader like this for their team, but you can’t.  These types of leaders are incredibly valuable and will likely never leave the people they work for.  You can’t hire them, but you can generate them.  And it will completely change their lives and yours.

This leader says that his investment in her has changed his life and helped her create, and then realize, her dreams.  She now wants to run the company in a way that will allow him to go realize his.

I am a collector of redemptive stories.  My 200 redemptive movie reviews on our website provide confirmation, but this one may be my favorite because it so closely reflects my own.

Consider

• Are you leading your company or grooming the next generation of leaders?

• Are you realizing and investing in the person you were created to be beyond your day-to-day work responsibilities?

• Is one of the legacies of your leadership going to be changed lives?

Ego

“One of the hardest things in the world is to be right and not hurt other people with it.”

- Dallas Willard

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A young leader was venting his frustration.  He had been telling those that lead him that they should do something for years and no one seemed to listen.  And now some new hire had suggested the same thing and they were taking their advice.  I’ve heard this so many times that I know precisely how I should respond.  I said, “Great news, right?”  And I always get the same incredulous look.

The question I offer next is also always the same:  “Do you want IT to be right or do YOU want to be right?”

Because if your interest is in things being right, you don’t really care who gets credit for it or whose advice is taken.  The one is completely about what is best and the other is more about what is best for you.  And don’t get me wrong, the reason I so quickly identify it in others is that I have seen it in my own response.

Wanting “it” to be right is all about the better good.  How the organization and the others involved are served better.  How things get more right.

Wanting to be right is all about serving the ego.  It is about making sure that whatever good happens is attributed to us personally.

I typically explain that if the thing you thought would make the company more successful, efficient, profitable, etc. has finally occurred, do you really care how it happened?  Healthier leaders, the ones that define themselves beyond simply what they do, don’t need the win in order to feel good about who they are.  In order to be a truly good leader that is generative in their leadership, it requires that you enjoy others being right or succeeding more than you enjoy winning personally.

And one of my heroes, Dallas Willard, says it so well. You wouldn’t be in a leadership role if you weren’t right more than you were wrong.  And you wouldn’t be in a senior leadership role if you weren’t right a lot more of the time than others.  And as a high “D” (in DISC), a “Strategic/Activator” (in Strengthsfinder), and an “8” in Enneagram, I usually think I am right and ready to act on believing I am right.  But hurting others with my being right is the opposite of what I want.

Sadly, I have trampled over, overlooked, disengaged, and disempowered many others that I’ve worked with by needing to be right. Letting others take credit grows my humility. Taking others’ ideas into account grows their engagement.  Letting others be right empowers them to make decisions.  It is the pathway to arriving there together instead of arriving alone.

Not serving our own egos may be the hardest thing, but learning to change that can change everything.

Consider

• Do you need to be right?

• Is your “need to be right” advancing your business or crippling it?

• What is something you are focused on now that could better serve the company as a team or someone else’s win instead of a personal one?

Gospel

gospel

[ gos-puhl ]

Noun

The biblical narratives covering the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ. Written respectively by St. Matthew, St. Mark, St. Luke, and St. John. The word gospel is derived from the Anglo-Saxon term god-spell, meaning “good story,” a rendering of the Latin evangelium and the Greek euangelion, meaning “good news” or “good telling.” 

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There is some pretty important information contained in that first sentence describing the “gospels”.  Beyond that essential information that everything else rests on for Christians, there are a lot of great stories with a lot of good news in them.  And while the “old” testament often reads more like a prescriptive rule book or an accounting of the journey of disenfranchised people trying to find their way back to God, the “new” testament was a great collection of stories of what it looks like to live life in union with that God.

While many viewed Christ as a sort of spiritual superhero, he described it as almost the opposite.  He was no superhero, but simply super connected to a very powerful God.  In fact, he embodied the Creator completely.  God as a man.

His plan seemed to be, from the very first day, to encourage others to find that super-connection to God as he did.  He said things like:

All authority I have been given is passed to you.

You are a child of God, just as I am.

I’m giving you a spirit to connect to and guide you as I was guided.

Even greater things you will do than I did.

Rather than another rule book, the gospel accounts of four of his followers tell simple stories of what following God and living under that direction and intimacy could look like.  And the point was not so much about replicating the stories found in those gospel accounts but replicating the sourcing of the power and authority that produced all that expression of good news…in order to write new gospel accounts.

I am spending most of my time focusing on the gospels these days.  I am also reading all the way through the old and new testaments this year, but the gospel stories I am most compelled by are the gospels of Brandon, Gregg, Jason, Erik, Todd, Paul, Lindsay, Jay, Neal, Debbie, Trevor, Kyle, Jaimie, etc.  I am immersed in dozens of gospel stories.  And the good news they are offering in their gospels is astounding.

Never has the world been more confusing, chaotic, or uncertain.  Never has the expression of good news seemed like better news.  These men and women are deeply sourcing their power and authority as seen in the four biblical gospel accounts, but the gospels they are writing with their lives are equally astounding.  In fact, we are building a recording studio in our new offices and I hope you will get to hear parts of many of their gospels in the near future.

An employee in one of the companies I own told me about his love of indie horror movies.  While I am very interested in him and his life, I couldn’t be less interested in those kinds of stories.  What I see going on in some parts of the world is horrifying enough!

And I know there are a lot of good news stories to be told, but either most people aren’t interested in hearing them or the storytellers of our day aren’t interested in telling them.  Good news accounts of better lives lived seem to be in short supply.  So I am searching to and fro, building a tribe of those interested in telling better stories with their lives.  I am turning off all the other channels and ignoring all the other stories.

And hope is rising as their gospel accounts are written.  And the best thing about these gospels is that the best ones haven’t even been written yet!

Consider

• What kind of gospels are you spending your time “reading” in this season?

• Are you in proximity to others telling great stories that offer good news?

• Is that starting to manifest similarly in your own life?

Service

“A service is co-created and only exists when the provider and recipient are together.”

- Simon Roberts

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We were sharing our revised Vision Statement with our South African partners.  There was something poetic about the five of us here in the states and their five stakeholders meeting over Zoom to agree on a vision statement that was created by us here and contains a lot about serving them there.

The infrastructure we are creating in 2022 will set the stage for tremendous growth in 2023.  We are already bridling the opportunities a bit and trying to address the necessities of 2022, while not getting too far ahead of ourselves.

This was a momentum call.  A time of alignment and celebration about the clarity we were sharing out of our three days of strategic planning here in Texas.  We were starting sentences and they were finishing those sentences with much better accents.  We were forming strategies and they were better informing those strategies with wisdom, clarity, and light.

I’ve never quite experienced anything like it.  I probably never will again.  I think you get only one of these types of Kingdom assignments in your life.  This is one of those, undeniably.  All of us feel the weight of gravity of what is not only intended but what is actually taking shape before our eyes.

In a round of feedback, we heard one humble questioning of a single word.  He almost apologized for what he felt others might find insignificant but felt so important to him.  He didn’t like our use of the word “product” as a deliverable for what we provide.  He said a “product” is a mug you put in a box and ship, but service…

“A service is co-created and only exists when the provider and recipient are together.”

Brilliant!  I went back & re-watched the Zoom recording just to make sure I captured his wording exactly as it was said.  The implications of that statement!  The co-creation of it!  The relational imperative of it!

We believe everything we offer is out of a co-creation with a sovereign God.  The idea of collaborating with other like-hearted kings and queens to further clarity what we have sourced from on high, feels more true than anything I have ever been a part of.  Immense amounts of work and effort that feels almost effortless and the from the collaborating and the co-creating.

The drudgery of work was established in the Fall, but the establishing of God’s restored Kingdom in Jesus, points to something very different.  We are experiencing the joy, freedom, and effortless nature of work as it was established and is available once again.

Consider

• How big a drudgery does your work feel?

• Do you feel partnered with those you serve?

• Are you allowing a sovereign God and other like-hearted kings/queens to share the load with you?

Thoughtful

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

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I asked a business owner about a new employee I had observed in a team meeting I attended.  Everything about him, including his contribution in the meeting, told me that he carried a pretty significant story.  I found out that he had recently moved here from a great distance to work for this company.

I also learned that he wrestled with not seeing his daughter who lived on the other side of that great distance.  The employee was excited about her visit here that was just around the corner.  The business owner and I continued our meeting at a coffee shop after he finished the one with his team.

His young daughter accompanied us to the coffee shop and sat at an adjacent table while we met.  She was distracted with some schoolwork but was clearly able to hear what we were talking about.  The business owner and I covered multiple business issues, but he also told me about a recent visit to an amusement park with just him and his daughter.  It was a highlight for both of them.

We turned our attention back to the employee I had observed at the meeting.  We talked about how the business owner might be able to suggest some things for the father/daughter to do while she is in town and maybe even support his ability to do those things.  He decided to purchase two passes to that amusement park, preferred parking, and meal tickets for them to enjoy.  

When she came in town for the visit, the new employee texted him with a picture of him and his daughter enjoying their day at the park.  The business owner told me how it was one of the best days he could remember as a leader.

It might seem a little unorthodox to invest in a new employee, but studies show that the majority of new hires make long-term employment decisions within the first six weeks.  They may hang around longer than that, but the seed is planted that they will leave when the next opportunity presents itself.

Every business I know is wrestling with finding, hiring, and keeping enough employees to get their work done.  There are limited hours of operation and extending timelines for work completion in an increasing number of businesses.  The reason in almost every case?  They are not able to find and keep enough workers to get things done.

Studies show that 3 -12 months salary is the equivalent cost of replacing an employee.  Finding, hiring, training, and getting someone up to speed takes time and money; tens of thousands of dollars.

But can you imagine the value of this small, thoughtful gesture to this new hire?  $160 is a de minimis amount for the business owner, but possibly a large amount for the employee.  But far more than the mere cost, the gesture told the employee that I see you, I am invested in your life, and the things that are important to you are important to me.

And remember, this was a huge blessing for the leader.  And even better, his daughter observed the entire thing.

Consider

• How well do you know the people that work for you?

• What do you know about their interests, cares, and concerns?

• What small, thoughtful gesture could you make to their lives?

Lust

Lust

verb

2. feel a strong desire for something.

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I was talking with another coach who was very anxious.  She felt her client was making a terrible mistake and she needed to do something about it…now.  She felt the passion to make something happen, the immediacy of the situation.  Her heart was so well-intentioned in fighting for what she thought was best for them, but she had a check in her spirit.  Something didn’t seem quite right about the way she was feeling.  Or maybe better said, the severity of her emotional reaction felt a little too much.

As she thought it through, she decided what she was feeling was “lust”.  Now, most of the definitions of that word have a sexual desire connotation, but she was talking about it more like the definition above.  She had a strong desire to do something.

The desire to help another is beautiful.

The belief that things can get better is hopeful.

The willingness to risk a challenging conversation is courageous. 

But the feeling that it can’t happen without us and in the timing we determine is arrogant and Godless.

That was a little painful to write.  It hits a little too close to home.

What we determined through a long conversation is that this kind of “lust” is the shadow effect of our most noble desires and passion.  That desire for restoration is holy and precious.  We need so much more of that in the world.  But passion can quickly turn to lust when our motives get in the way.

Our need to be the answer.

Our desire to come through.

Our need to be needed.

Our feeling that it can’t happen without us.

Our need to be seen as valuable, intelligent, spiritual, etc.

Our feeling that we need to earn the affirmation, affection, or approval of God.

It is all those ulterior motives that seem to subconsciously drive the operating system in all of us.  But that is how a good desire for the restoration of others turns bad.

I was humbled by the integrity of her honesty.  Her willingness to wrestle through the apparent nobility of her desire to get to the root of what else is going on below the surface.  

She self-corrected.  She kept all that holy passion and desire, but checked all those other motives that were surfacing.  She’s still heading into that crucial conversation, but with humility, curiosity, and the measured guidance of her God.  What an uncommon gift to offer another!

Consider

• When is the last time you felt like a situation needed your immediate attention?

• Could there have possibly been more going on than just the stated desire to help another?

• How would pausing to check your own motives inform a much better outcome from your investment in the situation?

Vanguard

van·guard

/ˈvanˌɡärd/

noun: vanguard; plural noun: vanguards

1. a group of people leading the way in new developments or ideas.

2. a position at the forefront of new developments or ideas.

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A group of leaders was recently celebrating one of the coaches on our team.  She joined us almost five years ago and they were all remarking on the progress they had seen in her over the last few years.  They said too many nice things to rewrite in this short blog, but one of them said something really funny when they marked her process.  

They said, “You used to be the change-the-thermostat girl.”  Meaning, she wasn’t confident or experienced enough to coach in our leadership circles when she first joined us and was relegated to more administrative tasks.  And that is what she signed up for and what we needed from that role.  

But she wasn’t in that role for long.  We talked to her about a 2-3 year journey to becoming a coach and she was incredibly patient and operated with a lot of humility.  But she was operating in that capacity well before the appointed timeframe.  Her natural gifts were undeniable.  Her confidence continued to grow, we helped her get high-caliber coach training, and she got lots of live ammo training in coaching situations she maybe didn’t feel like she was ready for (even though we knew she was).

My favorite word for her from this exercise was “vanguard”.  She didn’t just catch up to us, but in many capacities, moved far beyond.  She is at the forefront of new ideas and developments.

When she joined us, we conducted Next Generation Leader groups.  Next level leader roundtables supporting the owners, partners, and C-class level folks at our executive boards.  Under her leadership we now have:

• A Next Generation Leader group happening inside of a company

• A simplified version of that content offered through a lunch-n-learn type format inside of a company.

• Working with our partners internationally to create similar offerings abroad.

We felt really progressive when we translated our one-on-one Lifeplan experience to a group one, but she has been at the forefront of expanding the impact of that as well.  Under her leadership:

• We have done virtual LifePlan retreats for corporate clients.

• We have done virtual LifePlan retreats for other groups virtually, both domestically and abroad.

• She created a serial version of the LifePlan that allowed her to coach high school kids, collegians, couples, and even families.

• We are beginning the formative conversations about scripting delivery through our LMS (learning management system) for LifePlans in a self-guided experience.

• We have trained the first of many other facilitators to help offer the LifePlan retreat beyond our team.

We used to rely on experience, knowledge and authority to get through our individual coaching meetings.  But once she went to professional coach training and we learned the brilliance of the appreciative inquiry she was coaching with, we had her train all of us. She is now the vanguard of that as well.

From managing the temperature in our meetings to the leading edge of marking new frontiers in our business, it has been an incredible journey.  I can’t wait to watch where she takes things over the next five years.

Consider

• Are you searching for new ideas and finding new frontiers?

• Have you permission’d and invested in the ones on your team capable of taking you there?

• Are you falling behind, or worse, missing out on amazing possibilities?

Master

“When a work lifts your spirits and inspires bold and noble thoughts in you, do not look for any other standard to judge by: the work is good, the product of a master craftsman.”  

- Jean de la Bruyere

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We had some plumbers over to the house a couple of weeks ago.  The team consisted of a confident, experienced plumber and another guy who was clearly new to the job.  I was asking him how long he had been on the job, why he chose to work there, and how he liked it so far.

He had been there for a few weeks.

He heard good things about the culture of the company.

He believed he wasn’t choosing a job, but a career.

And then he told me how long he would be an Apprentice, then a Journeyman, and finally get his Master’s license.

In a world where the majority of new hires are making decisions to leave in the first sixty days (and many of them do), this man, only a few weeks on the job, was laying out the next 4-5 years of his career with this company.  And he was genuinely positive and excited about it.

Do you think this guy is a unicorn?  

Do you think he is a rare human being?

Are you hoping I have his contact information?

I don’t think the employee is rare.  I think he is being managed in an uncommon way.

Dan Pink’s “The Surprising Truth about Motivation” has been viewed over sixteen million times on YouTube.  We’ve shown it to hundreds of leaders, and have probably quoted it to more people than that.  The primary thesis of the video is that beyond the compensation level needed to meet our basic needs, an overwhelming percentage of us are not motivated by money.

He proves that the primary motivators for us are:

• Autonomy

• Mastery

• Purpose

Our Position Agreements (job descriptions on steroids) powerfully check the box of helping employees operate with more autonomy and a sense of ownership.  Purpose is one of the concepts that we more powerfully coach as an essential building block of every intentional organization.

But Mastery!  While we understand the concept and can speak to it well, we haven’t had a lot of luck in rolling out a system for this with our clients or our own companies.  And it is a really big deal.  Especially in a world where our workforce is largely transient and breeding a sense of ownership and long-term commitment to the job is incredibly rare.

So we are taking Dan Pink’s incredibly compelling research to heart.  We’ve already taken Autonomy and Purpose to heart and now we are going after Mastery.  We created installer levels for all the construction crews at our contracting businesses.  And while we are still working on the details as we roll it out, we created five levels:

1. Apprentice

2. Novice

3. Journeyman

4. Craftsman

5. Master Craftsman

Each has degrees of proficiency, qualifications, years of experience, etc.  Each will align with increased compensation and other privileges.  We believe it is a significant piece of the puzzle.  We’ll let you know how it goes.

Consider

• Do your organization and employees operate under a clear sense of Purpose?

• Do you have clear roles and responsibilities defined through something like Position Agreements to create Autonomy?

• Do your employees understand what Mastery looks like and how they will grow through their careers?

Play-doh

“Show me how to play. Show me how to become the kind of person of whom my kids would one day be able to say, “He was playful. He was so fun to be with.”  

- Morgan Snyder

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We were sitting around tables of leaders this week. We were talking about what we deeply valued in each of the other people around the table.  Having a dozen people tell you what they value about you and how you affect their life will keep your tank filled for a pretty good length of time.

We were talking about one leader who is a very good friend and a partner in many of our endeavors as a coaching team.  He has the kind of strategic brilliance that would have him standing out in any gathering around the globe.  He traveled the world solving complex problems before settling down to run a small business.

Ironically, the intellect he holds and the lifelong learning that continues to broaden that beautiful mind was not what most people focused on.  Much of the feedback was around the childlike wonder he has.  Not childish, but childlike.  Because even though he could deconstruct, rethink, and redesign almost any idea and anything, his childlike wonder is what stands out the most.

What you experience is joy.  He looks for the good in things, celebrates others easily, and is growing in that capacity.  He bucks the conventional wisdom that would say a deep journey into faith requires stepping away from intellect or wisdom.  We all spend way too much time in our heads.  The more he understands, the deeper his faith grows, and the more joy he finds.

And he works really hard at continuing on this path.  He takes every Friday off to hike and annually takes in a few exotic places to increase his awe of creation.  On a recent daylong hike, he felt like God gave him a clear message.

“You need more Play-doh and less Plato.”

His humility would tell me that he might have received that as an indictment or challenge to the way he thinks.  But I know this man and I know his God.  This message rang through to me, loud and clear.

“Keep going, buddy.  You are on the right track.  Your childlike wonder is changing the lives and perspectives of everyone you meet.”

Having some grandkids is a great reminder of the importance of childlike wonder.  Getting out “there” to experience the work of the Creator in the creation is a good way to remember it as well.

““Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.”  ”

— - John Muir

Playing (with Play-doh or otherwise) is increasingly important in a world that continues to take itself far too seriously.  It is the path to a more joyful, thoughtful, and balanced life.  And if that is not incentive enough, play and getting appropriate time away from our work is actually the necessary ingredient for elevated solutions and greater productivity.

Consider

• When you hear the word “play”, what comes to mind?

• Is it a current reality, an infrequent friend, or a distant memory?

• When is the last time you played?

Energy

“This is my office, also known as the hunting ground.”

- Colin Robinson

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A friend of mine has been trading quotes like this with me; there is an abundance online. Colin Robinson is a vampire from the wildly inappropriate “What We Do in the Shadows” series based on the movie by the same name. You might notice that I haven’t done a “Redemptive Movie Review” about that one.

Typical vampires are known to literally suck the life out of others to perpetuate their own lives, but Colin Robinson is a different sort of vampire. As an “energy vampire”, he sucks the life out of others by boring them with pointless stories and useless information about things no one else really cares about. He has no self-awareness and everyone he encounters is an unwilling victim of his selfishness.

“Energy vampires drain people's energy merely by talking to them. We either bore you with a long conversation...or...we enrage you. In fact, you probably know an energy vampire. We're the most common kind of vampire.”

Okay, honest check. Whose face came to mind as you read that last paragraph? We all know people who suck the life out of us, right?

I think, for the majority of my life, I have been an energy vampire. My need to be the center of attention, receive validation, and have all my thoughts and opinions be the most important ones, dominated others people’s experiences with me.

I am a couple of decades into my recovery, but as the twelve-steppers say, I will always be an addict. A lot of the work I did over those 20 years is helping me change the way I enter a room and the experience of others who find me there.

I can only serve others from a cup that is not only full but overflowing. I can’t replenish others from an empty well. There is no nourishment to share from a bare cupboard. Deeper still, I have to feel a deep sense of validation in order to validate others. I have to enjoy a significant level of success if I am going to share the spotlight and wildly celebrate others’ successes.

As Kath Temple articulates so powerful in her video “On Knowing Happiness”, some of us light up the room when we enter it and others light it up when we leave. After spending most of my life as the latter, I am trying hard to offer more of the former.

Opposite of the hilarious Colin Robinson, I want to be a source of energy and light. For the people and organizations I meet with, I want to bring momentum, power, and life.

I was on a coaching call earlier this week with a client who has become a precious friend. We were reflecting on an example of someone I had engaged. He paid me one of the best compliments I had received in some time. He said, “You were bringing energy to the other person. That’s what you do, you offer tremendous energy to everyone you engage.”

There are probably others who wouldn’t agree, but at least with him, there is a small marker of progress. I’ll take it.

Consider

• Do you light up a room when you enter?

• Do you light it up when you leave?

• Do you know people who suck the life out of others?

• Is that person sometimes you?

Earn

“Build relationships.  Earn the right to be heard.  Speak the truth in love.”

- Mission statements of a not-for-profit

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I used to have a similar conversation with every new hire when I was running businesses.  I was the last interview, testing for cultural fit.  My conviction around the cultural fit should be obvious, but the things I shared in addition to that I scoured from over three decades of working alongside great leaders in dozens of companies.

1. You will not be fired for a mistake that costs us money, but you could be for doing things inconsistent with our culture that cost us reputation and weaken our culture.

I was actually told these words by a former boss as I entered an organization where I spent a decade and a half.  The institution was a century and a half old and worked hard to preserve the integrity of the culture.  This was severely tested when I made a colossal mistake in the first big trade that I transacted in my role as a portfolio manager.  The trade was sound.  It increased value immediately and made us great money over time, but the way I did the trade could have triggered a market-to-market event that could have been catastrophic.  

I was doing the right thing for the right reasons, but the way I did it imperiled the organization and cost us $40k to unwind and recast.  I immediately (after a few minutes of sweating it out) told my boss.  He said, “It happens.  Figure out a solution and let me know if you need my help.”  I did and it was never mentioned again.  It was never mentioned again!  I didn’t damage culture, I was consistent with our culture even though it cost us money.

2. Earn the right to be heard, and be heard.

This statement came out of our long association with a not-for-profit and I’ve said it to every hire or younger employee at a client that I have been in some proximity.  It is actually two statements and the first is really, really difficult.  We have a very entitled society (notice how I didn’t poke a finger at particular generations?).  We have all been taught that our “opinions” are facts and that everyone needs to hear them.

Inside successful organizations, they cultivate input, conversation, and the sense that everyone has something to contribute.  But viable credibility, the interest in someone caring about your opinion, is earned over time.  I would challenge new team members to lean into the way we have always done things.  Become best in class at the way you are trained to complete that job.  And when you have earned the right to be heard by your commitment to the way we do things and your excellence at how they are done, get ready for the second and most difficult of the two statements: being heard.

In our experience, younger leaders either contribute in ways they haven’t earned the right to or never offer anything at all.  Earning the right to be heard takes humility; being willing to be heard takes confidence.  So, earn the right to be heard, and then be heard.  I would tell them that if the person they report to isn’t open to letting them be heard, come see me because either you haven’t really earned the right or you aren’t being managed well.

3. If you have been invited, act like you belong.

I had the strange experience of always being the youngest person in the room through most of my corporate career.  The responsibility of my job (not my title) had me invited into the places my title or tenure hadn’t earned.  The first time I attended the investment committee that led our $20B institution, I was a little nervous.  They were all C-class and the most powerful people in the company.  I was a mid-level guy whose function role just happened to have me managing 1/4 of that balance sheet.

My boss, the Chief Investment Officer, conveniently couldn’t attend the first meeting that I was invited and I happened to be bringing a substantial investment proposal.  He said, “You were invited because you belong there.  Act like you belong.”

That didn’t mean acting with the liberty the rest of the long-standing C-class operated with.  It meant pulling my chair up close to the table, not hiding, being more prepared than anyone else in the room, and being very ready to offer my opinion when asked.  If you are a young leader I have interacted with, you’ve already heard these things from me (probably multiple times).  If you haven’t, I would strongly encourage you to consider them!

Consider

• Are you operating in a way consistent with your company culture?

• Are you earning the right to be heard through your attitude, work ethic, and excellence?

• Are you showing up to the places you’ve been invited like you belong?

Inexplicable

in·ex·pli·ca·ble

/ˌinekˈsplikəb(ə)l/

adjective

1. unable to be explained or accounted for.

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One of the first questions we received from the “first Africa” South Africans we began working with was regarding our plans to serve “second” and “third” Africa.  As we stumbled around in conversation with them, a leader who spent most of her time serving that Africa with women in and out of the penal system and prostitution, answered.

“We can’t.  That’s not ours to serve.  We couldn’t translate what we do for them if we tried.”  

So many differences in perception, cultural understanding, language, etc.  What we could do, however, was generously train the first African leaders we know and encourage to do likewise in passing it on to second and third Africa.

So that’s what we did.

Early in the Summer, we got a series of panicked “What’s App” messages and videos of fires, street barricades, looting, gun firing, and general mayhem by rebel forces near where some of our partners live.  Initially, the news wasn’t making it out to the broader world.  They wanted us to help with awareness, but also needed our encouragement, support and prayers

As some of our friends rose to the leadership challenge, they found themselves flanked by a surprising category of supporters.  A large group of women, mostly small business owners, stood in the gap with them.  As they stood with them in opposition, their interest and hearts grew.  They wanted to serve them in some way.

They asked us if we would be willing to allow them to share our business curriculum with them.  And while I was on vacation in Colorado last month, I received the picture above with a story about these brave women gathering in a community space, beginning their own executive roundtable experience, led by some of our partners in-country.

And while they loved the business content and saw great application to their enterprises, they were most encouraged by a reminder of a worldview that transcended their circumstance and placed them precisely at the center of God’s Kingdom and heart.  The core curriculum was a great help, but the reminder of who they were, was a real rescue

Something that we couldn’t have understood or figured out on our own, became clear as they shared their experience.  They learn collectively, relationally, and all learning is arrived at together.  We’ve created a curriculum that is easily applied by an entrepreneur on their own, in the context of a roundtable or coached by our team inside of a company.  This is similar, but altogether different.  As that wise lady told us early in our journey, we couldn’t translate it to this form of learning if we tried.

They did what we could not do and better than we could have ever hoped.  I am so proud of these brave women and the incredible leaders we partner with, stepping into this moment.

Consider

• Who are you investing in as a leader?

• Who is not being served that would be better served by another who just needs that investment?

• What need are you carrying that is someone else’s mission to carry?

Desolate

des·o·late

/ˈdesələt/

adjective

1. (of a place) deserted of people and in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness.

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Summer is over.  The kids are back in school, vacations have been completed, and things are getting back to normal.  Right?  Not right!  There is nothing normal about the world in which we are living.  We have become more accustomed to these crazy times, but there is nothing customary about these days.

But summer, oh summer!  It was a rescue, right? Probably a little “yes" and a little "no”.  We got our heads back above water, cleared out a bit of the cobwebs, and actually rested and recharged a bit. But below the surface, we are still dog-paddling like mad.  We are also painfully aware, if we are really honest, of how low our reserves actually are.  The batteries have been recharged a bit, but they may run out again at any time.  We might get blown over with the slightest puff of wind.

A podcast I love said they asked their staff to give them an estimate of how charged their batteries were.  Answer: about 20%.  Because of how resilient we humans are and how hard a time some had acknowledging their own depletion, they asked another question:  How good a place are you in to handle the next catastrophe?  

• Your house burning down.  

• The death of a loved one.  

• A financial or meteorological disruption.

For me, it seems like things that are far less eventful than those can really knock me off track.

That question can bring a lens of clarity to the conversation.  It certainly was an honesty check for me.  I am not very prepared at all.  As an “ID” in DISC, an Enneagram 8, and an “Activator” in StrengthsFinders, I can usually find the best in any difficulty and power my way through, but even those strengths that I carry seem to be compromised.

But this isn’t a time to get discouraged or overwhelmed with the honesty of our situation.  We need to be kind to ourselves and more understanding of others.  Everyone is experiencing a great difficulty.  That should change the way we treat our own hearts and the hearts of everyone else in our life and leadership arena.

• We need to be a little more understanding of other people’s challenges.

• We need to not jump to conclusions about people and situations.

• We need to give ourselves and others, the benefit of the doubt.

• We need to not interpret these times as “normal” by any definition.

We are promised a clearer day, but it most likely isn’t going to be today.  And so much about not getting overwhelmed comes from being honest with ourselves.  Things are very wacky and will continue to be so.  We are not blowing it and the world is not set against us.  We are experiencing a great difficulty.

Set some new expectations.

Be generous with yourself and others.

Don’t be caught off guard or surprised.

Breathe.

Consider

• How depleted are your batteries?

• Are you frustrated that your efforts to restore this summer didn’t provide more substantial fruit?

• How are you going to change the way you lead given the times we are living?

Gotcha

“Help people reach their full potential. Catch them doing something right.”

- Ken Blanchard

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When I was managing a large investment portfolio for a bank, I had groups of people reviewing pretty much every move I made.  There were internal auditors, external examiners, and regulators of several varieties because of my securities licensing, the fact we were exchange-traded, etc., etc., etc.

There were literally billions of reasons why they needed to be watching so closely.  I get it, but we always hoped for more of a collaborative working relationship with all of them.  None of them seemed to be motivated by our improvement, desire to get better, or our commitment to doing things right.

They only seemed motivated by the “gotcha”; catching us doing something wrong.  Ironically, to call us rule-followers would have been a bit of an understatement.  We vigorously worked to stay within the lines.  I am sure there were other targets that they needed to work over with a fine-toothed comb, but it wasn’t us.

So what do you think happened after all those years of diametric engagement?  We learned to play the game they appeared to be playing.  Instead of finding value in the relationship and growing through all that interaction and oversight, we learned to leave them some simple bait to take.  A trade that didn’t have a secondary sign-off.  A transaction that we forgot to timestamp at the time of the trade, but completed later on in the day. 

They seemed to just want to catch us doing something wrong, so we complied with their wishes.  We gave them an easy “gotcha” which seemed to make them happy and had them moving on to the next opportunity to catch someone else as quickly as possible.  I know now that this all stemmed from a lack of trust and a general assumption that everyone is intending to do wrong and working hard to cover things up.

How sad.  Oversight and providing checks and balances was an essential thing, but the attitude and lack of collaboration was a huge missed opportunity for them and us.

But I can’t say that was the last time I saw that attitude play out in a company.  I have seen many small business owners operate with a similar mindset.  And just like them, most of us have come by our lack of trust honestly.  We’ve all been burned and taken advantage of at one time or another.  But living with a sense that we can’t trust anyone and that everyone is out to get us leads to another inevitable conclusion:

Others will not meet our expectations.  Even our lowest ones.

Blanchard was on to something beautiful that many modern thought leaders like Brené Brown have confirmed; if you expect the best out of people, they will likely meet your expectations.  On any given day, there is a list of things you could make of wrongs in anyone’s performance.  There is also a list (albeit, maybe a short one) of things they are doing right.  Perspective defines which list you make.  The long-term benefit of catching people doing things right is too great to not focus in that direction.

As a football coach friend of mine used to say, “You could call a holding penalty on every play, but the game would never really go anywhere.”

Consider

• How good are you at finding things those you lead are doing wrong?

• How good are you at catching them doing something right?

• How much productivity, employee growth, or cultivation of a powerful culture of trust are you missing out on as a result?

Rumble

”The goal of the rumble is to get honest about the stories we’re making up about our struggles, to revisit, challenge, and reality-check these narratives as we dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness.”

-Brené Brown

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Before we lead corporate offsites, we survey all the team members who will be in attendance.  We offer anonymity, but use tools like SWOT, The Seven Helpful Questions, and sometimes even an organizational health assessment.  We humbly tell the owner or senior leader that we will likely have a better lens than they do regarding what is actually going on in the company.

Most companies do anything they can to avoid conflict.  They want to suppress dissension, keep their problems in the closet, and sweep everything under the rug.  This is not only unhelpful but downright destructive.  This is the source matter of failed partnerships, dysfunctional leadership, and even failed marriages.

The pre-work helps us understand everything going on, including the stuff that everyone is working hard to pretend that isn’t going on.  We know that the answer to organizational success lies in bringing all that unresolved stuff to the surface and discussing it in a productive, safe, and solutions-oriented direction.  Brené calls it rumbling, we call it “mining for conflict”.

We work to establish a better foundation of organizational health and in the safety of those newly defined rules of engagement, we work to get the real issues on the table.  We often hear things like:

• “I can’t believe we actually discussed that issue.

• “We’ve been dealing with that issue for 10 years.”

• “I never thought we could resolve that problem.”

• “The two sides were actually far closer than we thought.”

• “It was easier to find common ground than we realized.”

• “It sounds like we were going to lose key team members if we didn’t finally resolve that problem.”

Let’s face it, it is a challenging time to be a human and maybe the most difficult time to lead a team that any of us can remember.  Instead of hiding from conflict or avoiding the rumble at every turn, we should be doing the opposite.  We can’t afford to “admire” the same problems for decades and never resolve them.  We can’t let unaddressed problems cost us our key team members.

Just like a healthy marriage allows for the discussion of even the most difficult things, so does the relationship of a healthy leadership team.  If you really knew that you were all committed to the same vision, agreed on the prevailing culture, were for one another, and only wanted the best for the other, you could likely discuss even the most challenging issues and find a way forward.

If you don’t enjoy that with your spouse, get a marriage counselor.  If you don’t enjoy that in your leadership, read Dare to Lead by Brene Brown, The Advantage by Patrick Lencioni, or maybe even hire a business coach to help.  It has never been a valuable commitment of your time, energy, and resources.

Consider

• Are you aware of the real issues and tensions affecting your organization?

• Are they being addressed? Is progress being made on them?

• What is it costing you in productivity, energy, or turnover to not be dealing with those things in a healthy manner?