Wildfire

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

- Jesus

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Ian Morgan Cron, a popular author, says that the single highest indicator of a leader's success is their level of self-awareness. Not giftedness, not experience, not intelligence, but instead knowing oneself and how you affect the world around you. 

One aspect of self-awareness is realizing that we all have learned patterns (typically from our families growing up) about dealing with stress. 

Knowing your enneagram number is a helpful way to become more aware of your patterned responses to stress. Still, Brene Brown talks about more general categories that she learned from an author named Harriet Lerner that is a helpful place to start: over-functioning and under-functioning. 

Over-functioner: Moves quickly to advise, rescue, takeover, micromanage; they get into other people's business rather than looking at what's going on inside of them. From the outside looking in, they appear to be very tough and in control.

Under-functioner: Get less competent under stress and invite others to take over; choose passivity and ways to escape. In addition to whatever is causing the stress and anxiety, they become the focus of more stress and anxiety. From the outside, they can appear to be irresponsible or even fragile and "can't stand the pressure."

These aren't intended to be identity indictments but rather helpful indicators that you need to slow down and ask some questions instead of putting on the learned, protective armor of an abundance of action or passivity. By all accounts, we live in anxiety-ridden times, and especially as leaders in our families and workplaces, it's helpful to know your tendencies so you can move toward a healthier response when things aren't going your way or some level of panic sets in. 

The other thing about anxiety/stress is that it's contagious. If you are charged up about something and responding reactively, you are probably spreading the panic in your family and organization like wildfire. 

Thankfully, anxiety isn't the only contagious thing - so is peace. But exuding peace has to be anchored in something bigger than our external circumstances, and you have to experience it to offer it. Thankfully, no matter your personality, enneagram number, or family history, anyone can learn how to cultivate a more peace-driven response to life and people. To create some space (and thoughtfulness) before giving an emotional response to a situation, Brene asks herself two questions:

1. Do I have enough data to freak out?

2. If I have enough data, would it be helpful to freak out?

She found that the answer is no 90% of the time to question #1, and even when it was yes -- the second one was almost always a resounding no, so that put the whole thing to bed.

Next time you learn something shocking about your teenager, your employee comes to you in an emotional fit, or a breaking news story (or family crisis) lands on your brain like a plane crash, first - be aware of your tendency as an over-functioner or under-functioner. Second, try asking yourself these two questions before you react. Your reaction will be contagious either way, and we could all use a lot more peace and calm in our lives right now. 

Consider

1. Do you typically over-function or under-function under stress?

2. How do you cultivate peace in your life? What anchors you to that?

3. Do you usually "freak out" when faced with a difficult circumstance or crisis? What might help you stay calm?

Mother

“When she speaks

there is so much permission in her love

and holy on her breath

you cannot help but sit like you are budding toward the sky,

you cannot help but believe you are every bit as necessary

as you were created to be."

- An excerpt from "She" by Danielle Bennett

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There is a woman in one of our leadership classes that I'm especially drawn to. She is a brilliant and successful leader who can take charge and "get things done." When she came to her first meeting several years ago, she had this authentic beauty about her, but it was buried under years of pain and heartache that gave rise to a defensive posture and unattainable perfectionism. The tenderness in her eyes didn't match the clinching of her jaws, but it was there.

Eventually, that heavy old armor she was wearing didn’t fit her tiny body anymore and was starting to get in the way. She started to take a hard look at how she was pushing people away at work and holding them to standards they could never meet, and realized she was constantly berating herself with the same scrutiny to be better, work harder, and maintain control. She knew something had to give. 

So, she began to let God "mother" her; to really take care of her. She went on a vacation for the first time in years. She attended a LifePlan where she was able to experience healing from past wounds. She started to accept the love and care from a boss that she was initially set against. She was taking her place as a daughter of Eve, whose name means "mother of all the living" or "source of life." She was able to offer life instead of protecting herself from it. As she learned to be gracious with herself, she was able to give that grace to others.

The shift in her that stuck with me was when I was sitting across the table from her at a Thai restaurant. She was a week away from having a performance review with her employee, and she was wanting some ideas on how to honor him. 

What?! HONOR him? Was this the same woman I had met several years ago? 

She wanted to help him see how he was succeeding in the role instead of focusing solely on his shortcomings. This was a very different use of her power. She had always been an incredible and intentional mother to her kids at home, but now it was spilling into her work. And it was beautiful. I told her she was "mothering" him in the best ways. She sat up a little straighter. She knew it was true, and we both knew it was good.

As a woman, the term "mother" can seem so limiting, and it's often a word that we leave at home with the kids. But it is so much more than birthing and raising little humans, although that is a very significant part of it. It is also about bringing life to the world with your words, your work, and your unique voice. It’s about calling someone up into their true identity with your very presence. It is fighting for the good in others and standing in the gap when discouragement and lies have overtaken them. It is offering the very life source of God, our Father and our Mother, to everyone around us...even our employees, bosses, and co-workers. 

And how did her review go with that young employee? It was glorious. There were tears. And they weren't the result of a good scolding from the boss lady, but from a woman who knows who she is as a fierce and loving mother and is helping others realize that they are "every bit as necessary as they were created to be."

Consider

• What do you normally think of when you think of the word “mother”? Does it have mostly positive or negative connotations for you? 

• Outside of your biological mother, who has “mothered” you in positive ways? How did that affect you? Have you told them so?

• If you are a woman in the workplace, how are you using your authority to offer life and dignity to those around you? Do you tend to diminish your strengths and the strengths of others or celebrate them?

Choice

“It is the ability to choose which makes us human.”

- Madeleine L’Engle

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One of the interesting things I've observed during the pandemic is how many people, moms especially, have reflected on their pre-COVID life with utter confusion. They look back and wonder how they kept up the pace of life that they did. School, soccer practice, band practice, birthday parties, meetings, emails, church, carpooling, cooking, sleeping, working, etc. How were they doing so much and still functioning as humans? And to what end?

In a podcast with Essentialism author, Greg McKeown, he talks about a conversation he had with his wife where they were trying to figure out the logistics of taking their son to baseball practice several times a week. They had signed him up because they thought he’d be disappointed if he didn’t get to play. In the middle of the discussion, McKeown called his son into the room to test his hypothesis: 

“Son, we’re thinking about this baseball season. We’re wondering what your thoughts are about this - if we did it or didn’t do it?” Instant reaction: “Oh, it would be fine with me if we didn’t do it.”

Well, that solved it. No need to put forth all the time, effort, and money it would take to support their son playing a sport he wasn’t even really interested in playing. Why not put that time and energy into something he was excited about? From that point on, they became much more intentional with the things they put on their calendar. The clarifying question became: "Hold on.....Why are we doing this?" 

I've noticed the same thing happening in my life. Over time, I can forget my ability to choose. I can blindly adopt the "I have to" mantra and operate as if I am a helpless victim of my current or past circumstances and required to simply go along with whatever comes my way. Sure, our options may be limited; during this pandemic, some of our options have been completely wiped out. But as McKeown mentions in his book:

"Options (things) can be taken away, but our ability to choose (free will) cannot be."

After that sobering conversation with his wife and son, he even started to exchange all of his “I have to’s” with “I choose to because…” so he could start taking ownership of his choices instead of pinning them on someone or something else. 

Life is uncertain right now. In some ways, more than ever. But it's a great time to remember you still have the ability to choose how you spend your time, and how you respond to the people and the world that's around you. That ability has not changed, but it's likely been forgotten. 

Does connecting with God help you? Make the time. Do you need to let go of something? Make the choice. Do you need to have a conversation? Make the call. With every deliberate choice, you'll remember how good it feels to be human again. And you might just get your life back in the process. 

Consider

• In what area of your life have you forgotten your ability to choose?

• What do you find yourself complaining about the most lately, and is there something you can do about it? 

• Is there something you need to add or remove from your calendar? What is it and why?

Create

“They [the arts] are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

 - Kurt Vonnegut

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In a coaching conversation last week, I was asking what made this man really come alive in his relationship with God. What fed his soul. When did he feel most connected to the heart of the Father.

Like many of us, this pandemic season has done a number on him. Working at home from his bedroom with the kids screaming in the background, managing this crisis from his new leadership role at work with the added bonus of a neighbor doing lawn work for 4 straight hours outside of his window every day, had sucked the life out of him. He knows this is a season, but he also knows the way he's operating inside of it isn't sustainable.

Back to the original question: "What makes you come alive in your relationship with God? What feeds your soul?" 

This successful businessman, husband, and father replied in this way:

"When I'm painting." 

Well, I didn't see that one coming. But I love those kinds of surprises!

In his own way, he went on to give me the usual excuses and disclaimers I hear when someone shares their unique creative outlet or desire: 

"I don't do it for others, I do it for myself."

"My paintings aren't that good, though."

"I mean, it's not like I want to sell them or anything."

Creating something, anything, feels vulnerable. And that's exactly the point. It feels vulnerable because to create something, we have to tap into our hearts...not simply our minds. And that feels risky.

So, we try to manage the expectations of others. Or worse, we never do the thing at all. This may not seem like that big of a deal, but if this is the very thing that would feed your soul and connect you to God, it's a HUGE deal. 

I love the quote by Kurt Vonnegut because he adequately captures the concept that creativity gets us out of our heads and back into our hearts. In his words, "it makes our souls grow." 

Many of us won't begin any creative process because of our fear of it not being "perfect". If it can't be perfect, which is a completely relative concept, then it shouldn't be done at all. 

But this misses the point of creating. 

Creating is about the process. It's what happens while you're creating that feeds the soul most. Not the final product. Yes, it feels good to complete it. To be proud of it. But to actually have been the one to create it, that is the gold. 

All of us are wired to be creative. It's in our nature. It's one of the ways we most acutely reflect the image of the One who created us. To deny our creativity is to deny an important part of our humanity. My quarantine challenge to you is to simply "do the thing." Do you like to paint? Write? Do you like to cook or plant flowers? I'm not asking what you're good at, I'm asking what feeds your soul. Those aren't synonymous, believe it or not.

You have more time at home than you've ever had in your life. So what are you going to make? Your soul will thank you for it, and as a result, so will the people around you. 

Consider:

• What feeds your soul?

• When's the last time you created something using more than just your mind?

• What are you going to create today?

Listen

Today’s blog post is written by one of the coaches on our team named Lindsay. You often hear my perspective on life and leadership, but I thought it might be beneficial for you (as it’s been for me) to hear from others on our team from time to time as well. Enjoy!

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“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

- James

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I was in Seattle last year for coach training, and we were paired up with another trainee for a short exercise. The instructions were just to listen to the other person talk about a particular issue and ask curious questions for 20 minutes. That’s it. No fixing, no offering advice, just listening and asking questions when appropriate. 

I was matched up with a guy from Germany. He was an older man with a thick, slow accent. When our time began, he told me all about the several companies he was managing, how tired he was, all the plates he was juggling, even some of his fears.

When the time was up, I honestly felt like I had failed the guy. I mean, I did what the trainers asked me to do — but it felt weak not to “offer” him anything in the process. There were so many things I wanted to say! So much advice to give! And, all I did was listen. It felt powerless and incredibly counterintuitive. Like I was leaving the guy in the water to drown without a life preserver that I EASILY could’ve tossed his way. 

But when we were debriefing the exercise with the group, do you know what he said? In his choppy, German accent - he rested on every word:

“I’d forgotten how good it feels - just to be listened to.”

Of course! The listening is where the powerful connection happens. It’s how we ask good questions. It’s how we understand others. It’s how we let people know that we see them, and we aren’t just listening in order to fix them or give them solutions; we are listening because we genuinely want to hear what they have to say, how they think, and what they feel.

The only thing that James says to be quick about is to “listen.” It is also the most challenging, especially when confronted with conflict.

But if you want to love your people well, you might need to take a break from trying to fix them and take a few minutes just to listen instead.

No agenda. No airing your opinions. Just listen. Slow down your talk and open up your ears. Keep it up, and it could very well change the dynamics of your most meaningful relationships.

Consider:

• Who would you consider a good listener in your life, and what makes them so?

• Are you a good listener? What are some things you could do (or stop doing) to improve your listening skills?

• Who do you need to slow down and really listen to?

Celebrate Your Family

“How do you know if someone needs encouragement? If they are breathing!”

- S. Truett Cathy

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We’re intentional about celebrating birthdays, holidays, accomplishments, and milestones - but how often do we take time to celebrate the people right around us just for being who they are? Encouragement is something that everyone desperately needs, but few of us freely offer without some sort of “reason.”

Well, here is your reason:

Your family needs encouragement.

So do you.

This month at one of our Executive Board meetings, we encouraged our members to intentionally celebrate their families by doing a “Family Celebration Exercise.” To create a space in their schedule this holiday season to look each of them in the eye and tell them, with supporting evidence, what is so uniquely wonderful about each one of them. And then, to receive some encouragement in return.

Last Thanksgiving was the first time my husband and I did this with our family. We gave the girls a day or so to think about what they were going to say, and then he started the conversation in the car on the way to Fort Worth. One of the girls had a page of encouraging words written out and was using an online thesaurus to broaden her celebration vocabulary; the other one picked one word and pretty much adapted it for everyone. (Classic!)

It was equal parts awkward, funny, life-giving and wonderful - but 100% unforgettable and totally worth it! Our hearts were all soaring pretty high by the time we were finished, and I’m still encouraged to this day by the words that were spoken. We’re planning to do it again this year, and every year after that.

We wanted to share this step-by-step guide with you so you can do your own version of the “Family Celebration Exercise,” adapted from the book called The Cure and Parents. Like pretty much everything we do around here, it is simple - but not easy. That’s why, along with the basic framework, we’ve included some information to help you manage your expectations, call you out on the excuses you will find to not do this exercise and prepare you for the mild awkwardness that will likely accompany it...if you should be so brave.

Click on the button below to download the step-by-step guide from our EB_11 content. Then, email us and tell us how it went so we can celebrate your celebrating!